Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

The most accurate map ever devised.

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

Fluff me with a fork baby

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.