*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
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I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
This kid is going places
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.