Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
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Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?