Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

You were the one.

even bears disappoint their mothers

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

San Francisco has too many rules

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?