My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
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This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
all bases covered
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO