My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
You Might Also Like
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
How I like cutting carbs
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
