My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
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Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
airing out the snack pack
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*