My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
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Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me