My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

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Me: *texts* How’d you sleep?

Him: *texts* Horrible…I was tossing and turn-

Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.


I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.


[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…


I am the kind of person who will restart a song because I got distracted and wasn’t appreciating it enough


Steve: Some people call me the space cowboy.

Steve’s friends: We apologize for our friend, we actually just call him Steve.


Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.


“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”


Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.


Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.