@chashmaswag

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

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@hpb777

Me: *texts* How’d you sleep?

Him: *texts* Horrible…I was tossing and turn-

Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.

@JimmerThatisAll

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

@Mister_Veritas

[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…

@stephanieck72

I am the kind of person who will restart a song because I got distracted and wasn’t appreciating it enough

@thatUPSdude

Steve: Some people call me the space cowboy.

Steve’s friends: We apologize for our friend, we actually just call him Steve.

@TheThryll

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

@leapeajo

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

@JP_theAntiHero

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

@Cheeseboy22

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.