My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
You Might Also Like
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran