My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
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Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.