My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
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Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.