My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
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I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”