Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

me: have you seen my shoes?

dad: I saw them on your feet once

me: I’m serious can you be more specific

dad: hi serious, I’m more specific

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

[spelling bee]

Your word: Spelunking

“U-N-K-I-N-G”

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

I only say stupid things when I talk.

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.