Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring