My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
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I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family