My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
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not to brag, but mine was free
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.