My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
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WTF
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo