My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
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After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
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[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
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They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.