Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:

Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.

Man to the left of me: Please don’t.

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?

WIFE: Inverted?

ME: No, in English Sharon.

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

mathematically impossible

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.