Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

umm…

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now