Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

She might be a genius

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.