My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
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HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
How do I get a job writing these texts
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.