Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

Um … Hot Wings please

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”