“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
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If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
pain
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.