“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
You Might Also Like
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Cannot stop laughing at this
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other