My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
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You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Candles never taste the way they smell
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
In banana years, I am bread.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.