Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

This one, by a wide margin

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

“My door is always open.”

— World’s worst submarine commander

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up

me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

Worth remembering.

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]