My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
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I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
any last words?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
His flabber was gasted 😂
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.