Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.