My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
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i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
*puts my mental health in rice
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!