My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
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38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂