My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
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I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Breaking news:
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites