My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
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If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner