My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
You Might Also Like
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite