Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.

Who does Amazon think I am?

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

classic mixup

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

💀💀

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

“5 second rule lol.” -me, first day as a heart transplant surgeon

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo