Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

son: *counts to ten*

wife: good job

me: (smugly) eleven

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

[Date]

Her: Any hobbies?

Me: Monging mostly.

Her: Huh?

Me: I’m a monger

Her: Huh?

Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

When I snag the last meatball.

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*