Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.