My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
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I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow