My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
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When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
scares
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
This is enough internet for the day.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?