My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
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the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I cannot call her anything else now
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
What about a To-Don’t List?
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”