My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
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Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
figuring out my emotional availability:
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night