My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
You Might Also Like
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
A loan officer put a stack of his business cards on a shelf in the grocery store’s egg section.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.