Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

[First Date]

*staring up at the stars

Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”

Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”

*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

My plans: 2020:

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

Spotted in the wild

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

Me: *Eating eggs*

Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach