My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
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The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*