My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
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The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.