Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

(Musicians.)

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

this is the best interaction on twitter