Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

Any refunds available?…

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?

ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.