Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.