My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
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Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I love the look on people’s faces as they stand freezing at the bus stop while I drive past them.
It’s partly why I became a bus driver.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.