Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?

Just me?

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you