*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
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If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I feel it
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.