My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
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I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
There is no “we” in chocolate.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
