Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

this site is so cooked lol

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.

Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.

Me: Just get in.

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.