Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

Spotted in the wild

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?

blood cell 2: of course baby

blood cell 3: coagulations guys!

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive