My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
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I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
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“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.