Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

what could possibly go wrong?

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom

Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute

Me: She’s my…. Thank you

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

Today’s Times

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.