My hangover has been going on for so long that I’m beginning to wonder if Peter Jackson directed it.

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*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes


Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!


online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”


Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.


Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink


It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”


Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one


– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.


*stands by cucumbers at grocery store

*feels intimidated

*hides by baby carrots

*gets ego boost