Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

10am: thinking roast chicken dinner with some steamed veggie’s and a baked potato.

5pm: ☎️ Can I get a large meat lovers pizza please

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

Me: *Eating eggs*

Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

Personal question. #JustSaying

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.