Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

look at me when i’m typing to you

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

Is this a threat?

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t