My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
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It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Dishonest mechanic?
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer