my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
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“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil