Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

I really miss my family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message

4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.