my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
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I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
The dark side of Canada
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Good for him.
