my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
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I think I’m having a stroke
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.