My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
You Might Also Like
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
buys donuts instead
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.