My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
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How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.