My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
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[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
This was my dad’s browser history.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling