My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
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Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Software Development ⛵️
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers