My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
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Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?