Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

Email: You are invited to a virtual—

Me: Nope.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

Noted.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM