Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

Me: Go to bed

4-year-old: But I have questions!

Me: You’re stalling

4: I need to know!

Me: What?

4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?