Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

Gods work.

Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall

I used to be married, but I’m better now

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”

they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”