[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
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I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Writing, She Murdered.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to